The Magic Window

Prisoner, Cell Block: Ace

Could the new Sky One trailer for Prison Break Season 3 perhaps be the most sexually thrilling 43 seconds in televisual history? Very possibly. (If you haven't seen it yet, go here then click on 'Trailer' under the little video box thingy – but be prepared to spontaneously combust in a complete frenzy of excitement).

Sadly, for those of us who lost Sky One in the Virgin Media fall out, our lust will remain painfully unrequited. Losing 24 is one thing, but my beloved PB too? Even if I hastily decide to invest in a big common-looking satellite dish, PB Season 3 started this week, so I'm too late.

In the meantime, I might just have to settle for a copy of Prison Break Magazine, which clearly knows its audience well, as it features the mighty T-Bag on the cover. This will need to be purchased in secret though, as I was told off the other day for "being embarrassing" as I perused it in the newsagent.

Apparently, buying TV tie-in magazines is an obsessional step too far. No, doing something like shooting the Pope to get a message to Agent Mahone telling him that I love him even though he's kind of weird-looking would be going too far. Buying PB magazine is merely a slight waste of money.

Adult Erotic Drama FACT! Robert Knepper (who plays T-Bag) starred in an early-1990s episode of David Duchovny's ropey softcore vehicle, The Red Shoe Diaries.

It's Business Time!

David Caruso has tested my devotion once too often. CSI:Miami's strength always lay in its tangerine-tinged preposterousness, but I fear it may have burst through the ridiculousness barrier with the current season.

CSI:Miami increasingly seems to be produced by lunatics who have worked out how to do a few 'funky' editing techniques and are determined to shoehorn an effect in at very available moment. The slo-mo is also completely out of control. I'm afraid it's time to accept that Gary Sinese's CSI: New York is now easily the best of the franchise (it also has the best Who track for a theme tune).

The big problem for CSI:Miami in my household is that it has lost the scheduling battle with the totally ace Flight of the Conchords, which is showing on BBC4 at 9.30pm on Tuesdays. (The last episode of the lovely Tribe was also on at that time, but you can rely on that to pop up on Catch Up TV). In their own words Flight of the Conchords is “like Peep Show meets The Monkees” therefore it cannot possibly be anything other than brilliant.

Flight of the Conchords are a musical duo from New Zealand (living in New York for the purposes of the sitcom) who embrace pretty much every musical genre in existence and have brilliant lyrics about cryin’, lovin’ and whatsgoingonintheworldtoday. They have one slightly frightening stalkery fan, a crap manager and a pal called Dave.

It stars a bloke with a beard called Bret and his speccy mate, Jemaine, who was in the recent filmic chucklefest, Eagle vs Shark (well, it was mostly chortlesome, although sometimes it felt like it was inviting you to laugh at people with borderline learning disabilities/mental health issues). Anyway, he was still very good in that film.

The highlight of their live special (there's lots of it floating about on YouTube) was Think About It, an earnest song that addresses "the issues". It also includes a very good point about sweatshops:

They’re turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers.
But what’s the real cost?
‘Cause the sneakers don’t seem that much cheaper.
Why are we still paying so much for sneakers
When you got them made by little slave kids
What are your overheads?

'Business Time' is very fab too. Watch it here. And if anyone is stuck for what to get me for my birthday in November, then one of these would do really nicely thanks.

Desperate Housewife

Well, this is a bit bloody exciting! And the best thing is: Leo and Kate's on-screen reunion is kind of the least-interesting thing about it. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both aceness on thespian sticks, but their pairing in Titanic was unconvincing at best (she looked like his posh aunty) and it really was a bit of a duff film. No, what’s uber-exciting is that one of the most amazing books ever written, Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates, is being made into a film and judging by the credentials of those involved, it looks like Holywood is set to make a mean fist of it.

Leo is a fantastic choice for the narcisstic, immature, Frank Wheeler*. I’d imagined his missus, April, as being slightly more insipid and bland than the kind of woman Kate might play, although April is indeed a dark horse and it’s a tres complex role that Kate will no doubt play very well. And oh my God check out her AMAZING outfit!!!

In the meantime, do yourself a favour and get the book, although be warned that it’s currently being reprinted so there are only used ones on Amazon UK. I’d advise going straight to the souce and getting a copy from Methuen. [Pretentiousness alert!] It’s just perfectly written and reading it feels like travelling back in time and looking at the future through human souls. 

* I have to admit, this is an opinion entirely pilfered from Bill who is in my book group, but he's totally right!

Unexpected Seinfeld FACT! In a weird link to the previous post, the character of Elaine Benes’s intimidating father is actually based on Richard Yates. Larry David used to date Yates's daughter. Fancy that!

Spongeworthy

As Elaine on Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus was amazing. She effortlessly pulled off being simultaneously funny, intelligent and sexy, even when doing her dry-heave dance. So it’s something of a crime that it’s taken so long for her to be given her a decent vehicle worthy of her superhuman talents.

UKTV Gold is now showing her actually-rather-successful series, The New Adventures of Old Christine, on Monday nights from 9pm. (She’s “Old” Christine because her ex-husband has a new girlfriend also called Christine.) I suspect we’re not even half way through the first season, so there’s still plenty opportunity to catch up.

Christine owns a women’s 30 minute workout gym, has a kid who tries to avoid swimming lessons by claiming it’s his “time of the month” and lives with her brother who phones her from his room at night to let her know when someone with a freakish medical condition appears on TV.

The laughs aren’t quite as constant or as absurd compared with Seinfeld, but there are still chortlesome moments aplenty and watching it also gives you a warm glow as it feels like you’re supporting an old friend.

Art Vandelay Sponsored FACT! Julia’s family own the Louis Dreyfus Group, an international commodities trading and merchandising firm. In other words… they’re importer/exporters!

Cereal Killer

First out the "pay day Amazon shopping frenzy" cardboard packaging this month is Niagara, a surprisingly noirish Marilyn Monroe thriller from 1953. The film is very much a showcase for Marilyn's lady-charms (specifically her backside) and she's quite the saucy minx indeed. Best of all, is her amazing wardrobe (check it out here). Joseph Cotten is also good as the paranoid husband Monroe is gradually wearing down to a clinically-depressed nub of worthlessness.

Admittedly, there are rather a lot of gaping plot holes (apparently a lot was cut to get it under 90 minutes) and select co-stars dish up some dreadful acting: "Hey we're wholesome out-of-town folks therefore we must walk around with insane grins stretched across our faces at all times!"

Rather strangely, there is a whole inexplicable sub-plot involving Shredded Wheat: Marilyn's annoying grinning neighbours are visiting town to meet with the head honchos at Shredded Wheat (apparently the main plant is/was right next to Niagara, accuracy fans!). Grinning Husband works for the cereal giants and has garnered favour by dreaming up an innovative new recipe: Turkey Stuffed with Shredded Wheat. The boss is clearly mental as he claims to have tried it and loved it, which is why he's invited Grinning Couple up for the weekend.

There's plenty of lustiness and suspense etc, but most of all this is a top visual treat. The Technicolour image has been restored to perfection and get a load of that beautiful bus station!

Telly types doing brilliant things in real life

OK, this completely trumps Alan Carr and Lionel Blair's heroics on Blackpool Pier last year. It's rib-tickling telly writer Charlie Brooker and wonderful should-have-won Big Brother lady Aisleyne having a crap time at Glatonbury 2007!!! This is just brilliant. I hope they get married.

Actually, that reminds me, I STILL haven't watched any BB this year. Neither has the girl who works in the fag kiosk at my local Co-op, nor has the lady who was in front of me in the queue when I was buying a newspaper there. Therefore I can conclude that BB is OVAH!

Interestingly, while the sales assistant and I shared the view that this year's BB just looked like a load of stupid girls screaming, the woman in my queue held the more sinister opinion that she only like it when there was a "relationship" to sink her teeth into, a view she qualified by stating "My favourite year was Anthony and Craig." Craig, who spent most of his time stalking and crywanking? What kind of fucked up concept of "relationship" is this woman working to?

Summer Lovin'

Summer can be a very rubbish time for locating top TV. Especially ever since Channel 4 decided that the way to entertain viewers over the summer months was not to do anything as insane as pay writers to make stuff up and have actors pretend to be other people in the name of ‘drama’, but to instead show us awful people doing nothing, in the hope that we would be so consumed by hatred we couldn’t help but watch their inevitable decline.

Yes, I’m having a self-righteous moment, because I still have not watched any of this year’s Big Brother! I feel it will only do my mental health immeasurable good. To stay on the straight and narrow, I’m reminding myself that I didn’t watch BB3 and it didn’t ruin my life.

So what is good? Well, if you’re not averse to rummaging around in the lower reaches of cable channelling, there are some televisual gems to be unearthed. Having just bemoaned reality TV at its crappest, I will now celebrate what is strictly speaking a reality TV show. However, Tori and Dean Inn Love deserves some special recognition because both the protagonists are (technically) thespians. The couple met on the set of Mind Over Murder, which I pray will pop up on Movies 24 at some point. (Keep an eye out for re-runs of Tori’s “auburn period” classic, The Alibi.) Also, in TV royalty terms, Tori Spelling is the equivalent of the Princess of Wales or something.

Tori and Dean Inn Love follows the heavily pregnant Tori Spelling and her husband Dean as they attempt to set up their own B&B. But Tori is the daughter of Aaron Spelling you cry, she doesn’t need to work, she must be loaded! Well she isn’t because her bitter old mother is in a huff about her marrying Dean and instantly getting up the duff, so Tori “only” got $800,000 inheritance.

The first episode saw Tori sell all her possessions off at a yard sale. Weirdly, most of the people there still insisted on calling her Donna Martin. There was also a great bit where Tori moaned about press intrusion… to her camera crew… while she was having a prenatal scan!

Tori and Dean have now moved out of LA and into their B&B. It’s not a B&B by most people’s standards though; it looks more like a nouveau riche palace. This week saw a major set-back when Tori discovered that it is impossible to get Chinese food delivered in their new location. Is this the end for Tori and Dean? Tune in to find out! Living TV, Mondays, 8.30pm.

Other fantastic telly worth rooting around for includes Dallas, which UKTV Gold is rerunning at tea time during the week and on weekend mornings. Dallas is utterly brilliant. There are fantastically complicated plots, great one-liners, excessive use of soft focus and very confusing family trees. The opening credits are class itself and it actually starts out in the 1970s, which means ace fashions abound. It’s getting me all excited about the much-rumoured forthcoming movie (starring John Travolta as JR!).

Oh and ITV2 is showing loads of back-to-back Entourage! Kevin Dillon is a comedy genius just by virtue of his existence. And it’s sort of all about Marky Mark, which makes it doubly ace.

Celebrity Hospitality FACT! Lovely Kate Pierson of the B52s runs a completely fantastic looking motel in Woodstock!

Will you yield... in time?

In my “review” of Casino Royale, I alluded to the fact that I was much more taken with the wonderfully sweaty and evil Le Chriffe, than lumpy Daniel Craig. In fact, so taken was I that I sought out some films featuring the actor, Mads Mikkelsen.

It has been brought to my attention lately that I am not alone in my Mads-fixation so, as a public service, find below a guide to some of his other films. There are loads I haven’t seen (including the Pusher films but, as he has no hair in them, I really doubt I’ll be seeking them out any time soon. I am that superficial). Ooh and I am very much looking forward to Prag and Exit.

In most cases I’ve just included the essential info - like whether you’re going to have to exert your brain reading subtitles and how much nudity is contained - apart from the case of Wilbur Wants to Kill himself, because all you need to know is that it’s completely shit.

After the Wedding / Efter brylluppet (2006, Danish)

What’s it about? Just released in the UK and still in the cinema if you’re quick, this was nominated for a Best Foreign Language Film Oscar this year and you’ll see why. It really is an amazing film, both unpredictable and human. It’s definitely one that’s best to see without knowing too much of the story as wondering what the hell is going on is a huge part of the enjoyment. There were only 5 people in the cinema when I saw it, but 2 burst into tears, which is a pretty high percentage really.
Mads modification: A very serious tan.
Do Mads’ clothes accidentally fall off? Just his shirt.
Good bits: All of it.
Rubbish bits: There are no rubbish bits.
Worth seeing if Mads wasn’t in it? Well it’s hard to say as he is so much of the film, but everyone else is very good and it’s an interesting story, so let’s say “yes”.
Silver inhalers out of 5: 5

Open Hearts / Elsker dig for evigt (2002, Danish)

What’s it about? A doctor’s missus runs over a bloke, paralysing him. Doctor makes a bad situation worse by shagging paralysed bloke’s bird.
Mads modification: Glasses!
Do Mads’ clothes accidentally fall off? Yes! Lots!
Good bits: The sex. The shower. The walk in the park.
Rubbish bits: Mads wears ‘hospital clogs’. The paralysed bloke shouts at everyone a lot. It’s a Dogme film so it’s not terribly glossy to look at.
Worth seeing if Mads wasn’t in it? Hmm it’s a very Mads-centric film. Everyone acts their Danish asses off, but it would be a rather depressing film if not perked up occasionally by Mads-nudity. Apparently, the guy off Scrubs, Zack Braff, is remaking this which will I suppose provide evidence as to whether it’s still good when it’s a Mads-free zone.
Silver inhalers out of 5: 5

King Arthur (2004, English)

What’s it about? Knights and fighting. In career-significance terms, this tends to be the film that first got non-Danish ladies with a knight-fetish hot under the collar about Mads. Well, he certainly proves himself to be a master swordsman (mmmatron!).
Mads modification: A beard! Long hair! An interesting facial tattoo! A hawk!
Does Mads’ armour accidentally fall off? No.
Good bits: Contrary to expectations, Mads actually looks really cool. Scottish people are depicted as animalistic primitives (being Scottish I can confirm this is still the case).
Rubbish bits: Keira Knightly. Mads isn’t in it very much. (Having bought the ‘director’s cut’ on sale at Blockbuster, this meant sitting through hours of cinematic terribility.) In fact, everyone in it apart from Mads is awful. You wonder why he’s hanging around with idiots like Arthur and Lancelot and not off doing his own thing.
Worth seeing if Mads wasn’t in it? No.
Silver inhalers out of 5: 1

Torremolinos 73 (2003, Spanish)

What’s it about? 1970s Spanish couple making Ingmar Bergman inspired porn.
Mads modification: Blonde hair.
Do Mads’ clothes accidentally fall off? Yes! Completely!
Good bits: Naked fight on the beach.
Rubbish bits: Mads isn’t in it an awful lot, but it’s a highly chortlesome film in its own right, so that’s OK.
Worth seeing if Mads wasn’t in it? Yes.
Silver inhalers out of 5: 4

Shake it all about / En Kort en lang (2001, Danish)

What’s it about? Mads is in The Gays for this film, but he’s a Rubbish Gay as he has an affair with his boyfriend’s sister-in-law and gets her up the duff.
Mads modification: Really nice hair and a frilly shirt.
Do Mads’ clothes accidentally fall off? Not much. Just his shirt mostly.
Good bits: A bit of gay snogging. Mad’s dodgy work colleague.
Rubbish bits: Overall, it’s a completely terrible film. Excruciating stereotypes abound, no one behaves remotely like people actually do. The bit at the end with the horse is particularly bad. For a sex-comedy, there’s not much sex or comedy (although the bit at the skating rink is quite funny).
Worth seeing if Mads wasn’t in it? No!
Silver inhalers out of 5: 2 (but only because he looks so nice).

Wilbur wants to kill himself (2002, English)

All you need to know about this is that it is absolutely awful. After 5 minutes you just wish that Wilbur would kill himself and take his annoying family with him. Mads plays a psychiatrist but isn’t on-screen much, however he and Julia Davis are the only decent people in this pointless cesspit of a film. It’s actually set in Scotland, but a kind of weird parallel-universe Scotland where people live like the Broons and talk in a completely bizarre, stilted manner. Even with Mads in it, it’s not really worth seeing. I sold my DVD of this on eBay for 99p. If some fool hadn't bought it, I would have chucked it in the bin.
Silver inhalers out of 5: 0

Katie vs Kristina: Oh, it's ON!

Time for some more Apprentice! But then it really is still the finest thing on telly. I had hoped that the unjustly scapegoated Adam might have avoided getting fired this week. In retrospect it’s probably for the best given that I vowed to strip my clothes off and run down the street naked if the evil Katie went. Although I know that the minute she goes I’ll be pissed off because hating her is such an enjoyable pastime.

Katie is just every kind of awful. A kind of inverse Dorian Gray – as more of her abhorrent personality is revealed, she somehow appears uglier. Her make up looks very similar to my own attempts at making over a Girl’s World head in the early 1980s. I do love her telling facial cheeks of fury which erupt every time the subject of her inexplicable love for Paul is broached. And what’s with that horrible white suit? Is she trying to pull some kind of Martin Bell stunt where she thinks that white fashions = moral purity? I cannot wait to watch the superior Kristina take her down.

Impressively, Adam completely reinvented himself for his appearance on You’re Fired, sporting remarkably clear skin, a trendy hair do, some Gary Barlow-esque 50s-dad threads and a sense of humour. The humour thing on You’re Fired is essential, otherwise you end up looking like an extremely uptight twat, i.e. like Paul Callaghan. I hope Michelle Mone does give Adam a job in her bra company. Maybe he can get some advertising work on the side, being the new Nadine Baggot or something.

Unfortunately, Tre has been a bit quiet lately. I suppose because he is actually performing his tasks rather well. However, the last few weeks have seen some quality moments:

• Obviously, the entire “stupid fish and titties” incident. And how right was he? Those pictures were horrible!
• Commenting on Jadine's moodiness: “It must be the time of the month or something…”
• His 1970s politically-incorrect comedy Indian accent when on the phone to suppliers of Nigella seeds.

Next week we do finally get to see Tre beatbox! There is a tantalising preview on The Apprentice website.   

Tre Bien!

Firstly, a progress report on my adjustment to Virgin Media TV (there is a connection, albeit a loose one, between Virgin telly provision and the genius on the left). I’m still harbouring something of a grudge about the loss of Sky One and am convinced that I’m now paying more for my telly, internet and phone, however the insane fury is being somewhat soothed by the undeniable life-changing wondrousness of Virgin TV On Demand.

This really kicks in as regards Wednesdays, as for some reason every single completely ace programme is crammed into Wednesday evenings on various channels. There’s not much contest at 8pm as Channel 4's Property Ladder trumps Neneh Cherry’s cooking programme on BBC2 easily, although I do have a soft spot for James Martin, who pops up after Neneh at 8.30 in the inexplicably James Taylor album-referencing ‘Sweet Baby James’ (what an obscure title, especially when a programme about puddings should be ripe with puns alluding to both James’ cookery and sexual prowess, e.g. “James Martin Wants To Fill Your Pie”).

From then on the televisual decisions get trickier. 9pm sees BBC2 screen The Apprentice while Channel 4 simultaneously shows Grand Designs. Then at 10pm there’s Desperate Housewives, which gets in the way of Grand Designs Trade Secrets AND The Apprentice You’re Fired!

However, via the glory of Virgin, I can now catch up with all my Grand Designs fun and Apprentice de-briefing on a Thursday (although not during Campus Ladies I might parenthetically add. I was a bit tentative when I wrote about it on LowCulture, but I have to say it’s rather enjoyable and does serve up a fair amount of chuckles. It definitely benefits from being on right after Kath and Kim.)

The undisputable hero of Wednesday nights, if not of ALL TIME, is of course Tre Azam from The Apprentice. Tre is magnificent and seriously needs his own show (apparently The Badger from last year got her own Sky One vehicle, but I wouldn’t know as I am now bereft of this channel – see, this whole Virgin Media takeover thing, it’s got me up and down like a bride’s nightie). Anyway, I am trembling in anticipation of Tre’s performance tonight. Apparently, he dismisses Darwin’s theory of evolution with the fantastic line: “I didn’t come from no fish!” Other great things about Tre include:

• He has a beard like Abraham Lincoln.
• He is ALWAYS right.
• He can beatbox!
• He swears constantly.
• He can handle a chainsaw.
• When colleagues complain of being tired, he boosts their morale by shouting into the mobile phone “I AM FUCKING KNACKERED SHITLESS!”
• He gave prize idiot, Rory Laing, a really hard time.
• When he’s not looking permanently disgusted with his colleagues (i.e. when he wins a task) he has a nice smile.
• He asks suppliers to break the law by waiving VAT.
• While others make over-priced monkey lollies, he plays pool.
• His primary sales technique when selling food is to target fat people.

And all this is only scratching the surface of his magnificence! Check out his website, although it’s disappointingly professional: http://www.treazam.com/